A Humorous Take on Legendary Figures Reimagined as Students.
Have you ever wondered what would happen if history’s most infamous criminals walked the halls of the AQ? Imagine running into these notorious figures in the Renaissance coffee line, or arguing with them for a room booking in the library! Here is a lighthearted look at what programs and majors they would likely gravitate toward if they became SFU students.
1. Jack the Ripper – Criminology with a Certificate in Forensic Studies
Why: The Victorian-era mystery man would ironically be drawn to Forensics, learning the tools of modern crime-solving. From DNA analysis to criminological profiling, he would study how investigators close cold cases—while quietly keeping his identity under wraps.
Campus Spotting: Lingering in the forensics labs while taking CRIM 356 or marveling at how far investigative techniques have advanced since his time during a CRIM 454 lecture.
2. Count Dracula – Biomedical Physiology
Why: The Count would be fascinated by blood, genetics, anatomy and immortality studies. A regular in the BPK labs, he would likely be the professor’s pet for his "timeless" insights.
Campus Spotting: Late-night study sessions in the BPK lounge fueled by suspicious red drinks in his thermos.
3. Walter White – Chemistry
Why: The science genius turned criminal mastermind would dominate SFU’s chemistry labs. From organic synthesis to chemical engineering, Walter would bring his “cook” expertise (hopefully sticking to legal experiments this time).
Campus Spotting: Hunched over a lab bench in the Shrum Science Building, muttering, “Say my name,” as he aces every practical assignment.
4. The Joker – Communications and Media Studies
Why: With a knack for stirring public sentiment and chaos, the Joker would excel in media strategy and understanding audience psychology. He would probably have a TikTok following in the millions, using it to promote his “social experiments.”
Campus Spotting: Running guerrilla campaigns for SFU's student elections. Unsuccessfully banned from SFSS clubs for his disruptive antics.
5. Hannibal Lecter – Culinary Arts (If SFU Offered It)
Why: As the king of fine dining (with questionable ingredient sourcing), Hannibal would thrive in a culinary program. He would be the star of every food competition, turning even the most skeptical classmates into fans of his... unique creations.
Campus Spotting: Studying in Mackenzie Cafe, with a perfectly plated dish that makes everyone nervously ask, “What’s in this?”
6. Wicked Witch of the West – Theatre and Performance
Why: With her flair for dramatic entrances, commanding presence, and memorable one-liners, the Wicked Witch would thrive in Theatre and Performance studies. She would perfect her cackles, choreograph her broomstick routines, and teach workshops on villainous monologues.
Campus Spotting: Rehearsing in the SUB studio, sweeping across the floor in full costume, and critiquing her classmates with, “I’ll get you, my pretty… if you don’t hit your mark!”
7. Maleficent – Philosophy and Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies (Joint Major)
Why: Maleficent’s introspective nature and her experiences with betrayal and societal rejection make her the perfect candidate for this interdisciplinary major. She would delve into existential questions of morality and justice in Philosophy, while exploring themes of power, gendered narratives, and representation in GSWS. Her work would challenge traditional notions of villainy and reframe them through a feminist lens.
Campus Spotting: Leading a seminar titled, “Reclaiming the Narrative: Power and Misrepresentation in Female Villainy,” captivating her audience with her commanding presence and eloquent arguments.
8. Bonnie and Clyde – Criminology
Why: The dynamic duo would study Criminology to better understand the legal system—and maybe learn how not to get caught. They would ace every group project together, though professors might have to keep a close eye on them during exams.
Campus Spotting: Likely spotted taking dramatic selfies at Burnaby Mountain viewpoints, captioned “Partners in Crime.”
9. Loki – Political Science
Why: Loki, the God of Mischief, would excel in Political Science, using his cunning intellect to study power dynamics, governance, and the art of persuasion. His knack for manipulation and strategic thinking would make him a top contender in any debate or campaign.
Campus Spotting: Delivering fiery speeches at council meetings, effortlessly convincing others to back his ideas, and slyly plotting his next move in the nap room in the SUB.
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